Let's Stay Together

Often times we aren't aware of how strong we really are until after things settle. Well, I must say that I had no idea that at 36, I would be able to endure some of the things that I feared the most. The last couple of years have truly been a test...however, I call it my strength in the valley. I welcome you to my mind, heart and soul.

Per Webster, strength is defined:

1: the quality or state of being strong : capacity for exertion or endurance

2: power to resist force : solidity, toughness

3: power of resisting attack : impregnability

4a : legal, logical, or moral force b : a strong attribute or inherent asset the strengths and the weaknesses of the book are evident

5a : degree of potency of effect or of concentration chili peppers in varying strengths....

Now my definition of strength is "you just have to make it through another day". For the past 562 days, I have been learning to live without the comfort of knowing that whatever I may face, I can pick up the phone and tell my Mama all about it. It could be a funny story, something that made me upset, times when I needed sound advice or simply just sit and talk about nothing. Although I have an amazing family and wonderful friends, there's nothing quite like the a mother's comfort. Then it began, a feeling that I felt a few times before, but never like this...grief.

After losing my mother, I went into a state of disbelief. I convinced myself that her death was merely a dream and one day I would awaken to her standing over me, singing softy, "Wake up, little Susie. Wake up", as she did every morning for countless years to get me prepared for school. Grief turned me into a helpless little girl, in search of the strength of the woman in me. It came in spurts, nothing that I could control or simply shut off. I used my commute to work as a coping method. For a solid year, I cried to and from work so that I wouldn't have to answer the question of "What's wrong?". I now know to just allow grief to have it's way, I can no longer run nor hide it.

Grief brings about a lot of unknowns. There are times that I don't how I am going to make it through a holiday. What if I am in a store and hear an Al Green song? Will I be able to keep it together or simply fall a part right where I stand?...I have no clue. However, I am learning that it's okay to hurt and I don't have to be in control of every emotion. Being sad nor grieving makes me weak, in fact I am stronger for allowing myself to mourn.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”

–Washington Irving